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Blog Carnival Round-up: What Did Your Doula Do for You?

October 14, 2011 By Cara Terreri 1 Comment

Thank you to everyone for submitting your beautiful and touching stories of birth and doulas at work. For those of you reading who have had a doula for your birth, the following details will resonate and bring back wonderful memories. For those considering hiring a doula, read closely — you may be surprised to learn the many roles that doulas play.

Most of the entries submitted answered two basic questions: Why hire a doula; and What does a doula do during pregnancy, birth, and the postpartum period? It’s a long post, but well worth the read!

Why Did You Hire a Doula?

Alisa Harrison, who blogs at The Juggling Matriarch, hired a doula for her first birth, but not her second — and she wishes she would have. In reflecting on her second birth, which ended in cesarean surgery, she says: “I could have really used someone who was there only for me—not for my baby, just for me.  Who had nothing more invested in the scenario than to support and help me.  Who wasn’t watching monitors or checking dilation or recommending any procedures, but who would have been watching my face and hearing my voice, doing laps around the hospital with me and my husband, or maybe urging me to stop doing laps, stop trying so hard to make things happen and instead just look me in the eye and help me experience each moment for the moment it was.  Who knows what a doula might have been able to help me do?”

Sophie Messager, who sent in her story of planned hospital birth turned planned home birth, knew how a doula could help her during birth: “I wanted to have a doula because, although I wanted a hospital birth, I was very conscious of the fact that being looked after by midwives that you had not even met before was not a good setting to make you feel relaxed. I understood how stress could affect the progress of labour.”

A common thread among women with positive doula experiences (myself included) is the added confidence she brings. Ramya Ram, a Lamaze Certified Childbirth Educator, says of her VBAC: “It was my second pregnancy, but I was about to face something for the first time… a vaginal birth. In spite of changing my doctor at 34 weeks, having people around me who encouraged me for a VBAC, the one lady who I looked upon with confidence was Barrie Glasscock, my doula.”

Sometimes, partners aren’t as convinced that hiring a doula is necessary. Ed Reese, guest blogger at Bloom Spokane, explains: “[Men] don’t like paying extra. We also know childbirth is very expensive. To many fathers-to-be, a doula just isn’t needed. It’s the equivalent of buying the warranty—and we never get the warranty.” But as Ed later found, their doula made a difference: “We were able to make several requests (with Katie’s help) that made labor and delivery more comfortable for Tine, and ultimately helped her achieve a natural birth. It also took a huge weight off of my shoulders.”

Similar to the misconceptions I experienced when telling others about my doula, Karen Goldstein wasn’t clear on a doula’s role: “When I first started thinking about my birth plan, I did not consider a doula mainly because I did not think it was an option if I chose to deliver my baby in a hospital. I know other women who were under the same impression.”

And for some women, hiring a doula is a result of peer influence, like Melissa, who said: “One of my best friends talked me into hiring a doula for my first (and so far only) birth and I’m so glad I did! I’d never even heard of a doula before my friend had one.”

Jamie Parker knew she wanted the assistance of a doula to assist her with natural birth, but had a hard time with the cost. She sought the help of Doulas Care, a service in her area that matches doulas who volunteer their services to low-income families.

How Did Your Doula Help?

As you’ll read below, doulas do more than assist women through birth. As it turns out, doulas help expectant families throughout pregnancy, birth, and postpartum.

In addition to a good childbirth class, doulas can provide solid, evidence-based information to help women in their decision-making process. Karen Mabe says, “My doula, Tequita Williamson, helped guide me through the slew of decisions leading up to my birth by answering my million-and-a-half questions and providing resources to help me achieve the unmedicated birth I wanted.”

Sophie, who described herself as “very scared of childbirth,” found her doula helpful earlier on in her pregnancy: “At one stage [in my pregnancy] when I was feeling overwhelmed, she lent me Ina May Gaskin’s book Ina May’s Guide to Childbirth.  That was a turning point for me.”

Similarly, Karen Goldstein’s doula helped change her perspective on childbirth: “[My doula] relayed the simple yet powerful message to ‘trust my body.’ Many of the resources I had until that point seemed to direct my focus on ‘overcoming’ the birth experience. Her approach had a different effect on me. It was the first time I felt confident about the pregnancy and delivery process and my role in it.”

Sometimes, a doula can take the place of a partner who is unable to attend your birth, as in Elizabeth’s case: “My doula was the best thing that could have helped me during the delivery of my child. My husband was deployed and I was dilating very early, along with having to deal with a toddler at home. She was the one thing that made me feel that I could make it through.”

When it comes to early labor vs. active labor, a doula is an excellent guide for when it’s time to go to the hospital — and when it’s not, as in Ed’s experience: ”As I was prepping the car for a hasty get-a-way to the hospital, [my wife] called Katie to talk about what she was feeling. Katie quickly determined that it wasn’t time yet. Sure enough, the contractions stopped after about an hour and we were able to spend one last Saturday night playing cards with our friends before Mac was born. Her insight kept us from going to the hospital too soon.”

Alisa’s doula was pivotal in helping her avoid routine interventions at the hospital: “At one point, she poked me in the shoulder hard enough to jar me to reality, just long enough for me to hear her say, ‘Your doctor is going to cut you.  Your birth plan says you don’t want an episiotomy.’ In that brief moment of clarity, I sat straight up, told my doctor, ‘Do not cut me.’ And she didn’t.”

Jen, a doula herself who blogs at Twisting Willows, describes how her doula supported her husband: “I often run into the perception that a doula will intrude on a birth or take over the father’s support role in the birth, but mine gave me back my husband. Upon her arrival she took over all the tedium so he could give me that physical contact I needed. She gave him a quick refresher course in counter pressure so he could apply it.”

Jen’s doula was also instrumental in the immediate postpartum during her home birth: “After the delivery, she, along with other parts of my birth team and my mother, made most of the evidence that I had just had a baby in my living room disappear before most of the family appeared. To top it all off, my wonderful doula even cooked us dinner before she headed out.”

Karen Mabe also describes her doula’s help after birth: “While my husband was off seeing to our daughter in the nursery, Tequita came to our room with me. She also made the bed in our room for my husband – I gave birth after midnight – and stayed with me until he returned.”

Doulas are well known for being an ally in long labors, as Sophie describes: “My labour was long (32 hours) and it was hard work and it was painful. But I never felt scared. Maddie’s support was wonderful: she made me feel cared for and safe.  She also helped [my husband] to support me.  There is something about a woman’s support in labour, particularly when she has had children herself, that is irreplaceable.”

A doula can also provide support in an unexpected complication, as in Jamie’s situation: “And when my uterus wouldn’t contract and I was bleeding out, she held my hand and stroked my forehead as my husband watched over our new baby.”

And of course, the practical comfort measures during birth are what doulas are best known for:

“I had back labor and she applied the valuable tool of Double Hip Squeeze almost without a break! Her smile never faded and her eyes never lost the glow throughout! Her care was that of my mother.” (Ramya)

“During the labor, her encouraging words and massage techniques all helped me stay focused and ‘ride the wave’ of each contraction. I truly believe it was because of her I was able to have a delivery that was free of pain medication.” (Karen Goldstein)

“She ran me a bath and sat quietly beside the tub as I slept between contractions, and she was ready and waiting to pour water over me when each contraction crested. Out of the tub, at some point, I remember that she took my hands, put her face close to mine and said firmly, ‘Open your eyes.  Look at me.  Don’t let the contractions swallow you up. Keep your eyes open and look at me.’ I remember that moment like it was a lifeline, locking eyes, re-centering myself.” (Alisa)

To read more doula testimonials and find a doula in your area, check out www.DoulaMatch.net, which allows you to search for doulas by zip code and due date.

Filed Under Birth, Blog Carnival, Dads, Featured Story, Postpartum, Pregnancy, Working with a doula Tagged With doula

Six Tips for Gentle but Effective Hospital Negotiations

August 15, 2011 By admin 9 Comments

By Jessica English, CD(DONA), LCCE

Is the hospital you’ve chosen totally supportive of the six Lamaze Healthy Birth Practices?  Once you educate yourself on the elements of a healthy birth, there may be times you need to advocate for yourself and your baby. Hopefully you’re able to choose a birthplace that largely supports your goals for birth, but if that’s not possible, here are some suggestions that might make negotiating easier.

1. Talk it out beforehand, and get it in writing. If something is particularly important to you, talk it over with your midwife or doctor at an office visit. For example, if you know it’s standard for women to get a routine IV in labor, explain your concerns to your provider ahead of time. If you can agree that you will not have a routine IV for a healthy, normal birth, ask your provider to write that in your chart and either put it in writing on a prescription pad, or sign your birth plan. That way, if your doctor or midwife isn’t in the building when you arrive in labor, you’ll have that piece of paper to back you up. Individual midwives or doctors usually have the power to override routine policies for their own patients.

2. You’ll catch more flies with honey than vinegar. It’s great when moms and dads are passionate about healthy birth. Unfortunately, sometimes that passion can leave them feeling confrontational. You don’t need to start off with guns blazing. I suggest to my students that they are firm but very polite when working with the staff. Is continuous monitoring the policy at this hospital? You might say to the nurse, “Our midwife OK’d intermittent monitoring. We’d be so grateful if you could help us with that.” And if her answer is no, try again. “This is so important to us. I know it’s not the standard, but we really appreciate your understanding. We did OK it ahead of time.” Nurses, midwives and doctors are just people. A gentle approach is usually received much better than angry demands, and you’re more likely to get what you want. Be likeable.

3. Brainstorm. If you can get your nurse or provider working with you, they may start to take ownership of your ideas. Try asking for their help to brainstorm a problem. For example, a dad or other support person might say to the nurse between contractions, “We really want the baby to stay skin-to-skin after birth. Can you help us think about how that might work? Can some of the routine things be done while the baby is on her chest? What if we waited to weigh and measure him?” Or maybe continuous electronic monitoring is required because of a medical complication, and you’ve been asked to stay lying down in bed. Ask your nurse or provider to help you think through other options, such as laboring with continuous monitoring on the birth ball, on hands and knees or sitting upright. If they respond with reasons why something won’t work, you can always throw out a phrase like, “Let’s try together.” When people are part of the process they generally respond better than if you simply list your demands.

4. Bring a doula. An experienced doula has usually seen other families successfully negotiate in the hospital environment. She probably knows what’s possible and may have some techniques for helping you “get to yes.”  For example, hospitals in our area require 30-40 minutes of continuous monitoring when a woman first arrives, with intermittent monitoring as an option after that time. The mom is usually asked to lay on her side in the bed for this monitoring, which is hard for most women to do when they are in active labor. Sometimes the nurse will stay and hold the monitor device on her belly, so that she can still move with her contractions without losing the baby’s heart tones on the monitor. Once one of my doula clients had a nurse who was not willing or maybe not able to stay. The nurse kept insisting that the mom lay on her side, and the mom kept insisting that she couldn’t do that because it would make the contractions too intense. I asked if it might be possible for the dad to hold the device on her belly. The nurse happily agreed. She was able to leave and still get the monitoring she needed, the mom was able to continue standing and leaning with her contractions, and the dad was happy to help.

5. Don’t stop at the first “no.” If you’re asking for something outside routine hospital policy, the first answer you receive will probably be no. Expect that first no, and be pleasantly persistent, using all the techniques mentioned above. I know one woman whose nurse kept telling her there was no way she could have the special requests she’d made for her planned cesarean, such as having both her husband and her doula in the operating room and having her baby skin-to-skin on her chest while the doctor finished the surgery. The mother just kept nodding and smiling and saying, “I understand, but this is what I want. How can we make it happen?” Her negotiations were successful, and her doula and husband were both at her side when that beautiful baby was laid on her chest almost immediately after his cesarean birth. Had she accepted that first no, her birth experience would have been much different.

6. Remember, it’s your body, your birth and your baby. If it comes down to the line, remember that no one can force you to do anything or accept any intervention that you do not want. Shared decision making requires your consent. I remember my client who was pushing on hands and knees with a nurse, only to have a midwife come in at the last minute and tell her to turn over on her back. She asked why, and the midwife replied, “I don’t deliver babies this way.” Between strong pushes, the mom simply said, “No.” The midwife told her again to turn over, and again the woman said, “No.” The midwife successfully caught the baby while she stayed on her hands and knees. It was a beautiful birth! It can be intimidating to have professionals in scrubs and white coats telling you to do something, but if there is no clear safety reason for the request, it is always your right to say simply and clearly, “No.” After all, it is your body, your birth and your baby.

Jessica English, CD(DONA), LCCE, is the owner of Birth Kalamazoo, which offers birth and postpartum doula services, natural childbirth and breastfeeding classes, and in-home lactation consults. A DONA-certified birth doula and Lamaze-certified childbirth educator, she teaches an 8-week series of classes called “The Best of Natural Birth.” She is the editor of DONA International’s eDoula newsletter. A longtime writer and business woman, she also works as a consultant for organizations and birth professionals.

Filed Under All Recent Articles, Birth, Birth plans, Dads, Healthy Birth Practice, Hospital Birth, Working with a doula Tagged With birth plan, doula, Healthy Birth Practices, hospital birth, natural birth

Link Round-up for Dads

June 17, 2011 By Cara Terreri Leave a Comment

There are so many great resources and articles available for dads on pregnancy, birth and parenting. Enjoy the round-up we pulled together and share it with all of the dads and dads-to-be that you know. Have a happy Father’s Day!

10 Tips for Dads to Make the Most of Pregnancy
 
What Dad Needs to Pack for the Hospital Bag

Preterm Labor: What dads can do

Calming Dads’ Concerns about Natural Childbirth

Simple Gifts Kids Can Make for Father’s Day

How to be a Great Dad – 12 Awesome Tips

10 Tips to Living a Mindful Marriage

How your sex life will change as a dad-to-be

Dads and Breastfeeding

Helping Men Beat the Baby Blues and Overcome Depression

Filed Under All Recent Articles, Dads Tagged With Dads, fa

Sex After Baby: A How-To Guide for Partners

June 15, 2011 By admin 2 Comments

By Katie Wise, reposted with permission from the Mother’s Advocate blog.

So, you just had a baby.  You are still basking in the heroic act of welcoming your child into the world and you were stunned by the sheer animal power your lady demonstrated during the birth. You wanted to take her right then and there, but you knew that you had to wait until she was ready, and that day has finally come.  You’ve been waiting and hoping and fantasizing, and today’s the day.

Feeling like a teenager, you take a shower, throw on some cologne, and stride into the bedroom.  You look at your beloved, radiant in her milk stained nightgown.  She looks up and you exchange a look.  You anticipate that she’s about to tell you how excited she is. But instead, she opens her mouth and says

“Oh, honey, I’m sorry . . . I mean, can we just go to sleep?”

That wasn’t exactly what you had hoped for. What now?

When it comes to reconnecting sexually with your partner after baby, Make this your mantra:

Go slow, aim low, and let go.
Remember that Post partum sex requires a deep level of care and patience, tons of love and humor, and a very soft touch.  You may find yourself asking very “un-sexy” questions like: Is this hurting your hemorrhoids?; Does this angle work for your scar tissue?; Can I start to move or do you want me to stay still for a while?: and Do you want me to stop completely and just hold you?.  Let me tell you though, these careful considerations, and compassionate touches are the sexiest thing in the world to the healing postpartum mama.

Go Slow. 
Approach your sexual time with her with curiousity instead of a goal. Sometimes slow means stop.  At any moment, if she begins to feel unsafe or in pain, stop immediately.  Sex can bring up many feelings for her, both physical and emotional.  She needs to slowly get to know her body again. And don’t forget all the creative ways to be sexual together!  Intercourse is just one expression of love. Remember those amazing steps along the way that seemed so exciting in high school.  Take your time, explore, and see what else is possible.  And don’t be afraid to use lubricant to off set the changes created by postpartum hormones.  (Note:  remember if it’s lack of libido more than fear of contact with the vagina, other kinds of sex may still be hard for her to participate in.  Honor her pace.)

Aim Low.
The first year after baby is all about baby’s needs, which are unending, and immediate.  Everyone else’s needs are shoved in the closet, and not removed until after that first birthday candle is blown out. 

Make a goal of surrounding your partner with love, instead of having sex.  She needs to know that you still find her sexy even if all she wants to do is snuggle up and go to sleep.  She needs to know that nothing is required of her beyond the already heroic task of caring for our child.  She needs to know that it’s okay to not want sex.

In a book called Porn for New Moms, there is picture of a beautiful man under the sheets looking seductive and saying “Let’s not have sex tonight.  Why don’t I rub your feet and you can tell me about the baby’s day.”  Listen and learn, partners.  The best way to seduce your post partum sweetie is to let her have as much time as she wants as far away from sex as she needs.

Let Go.
Let go of the story that there is a problem if you are having less sex than you used to. Let go of what sex “should” be like.  Be present to the tenderness you have for one another.  Be compassionate for the exhaustion you both feel.   And when you do make love, help her to let go. Find breath work, yoga, tantric techniques.  Use your voice to help her surrender. Tell her she is beautiful.  Tell her that things might feel different. Tell her that she is sexier now than ever.   Tell her that you want to be with her forever.  And again, tell her to breathe. Make sex an act of devotion.  Have her imagine she is a plant receiving sunlight, or the shore receiving the ocean.

And remember: you are the one that she created this child with, she wants to grow old with you, and she adores you.  And she may not want to have sex right now.

Please don’t take it personally.
If you are about to have a baby and are feeling concerned right now,  Don’t fear.  This can be one of the most intimate years of your relationship.  In your baby, you may see your partner’s sweet smile, their sassy brow line, or calm spirit.  You meet a person that is born of the love you feel for one another.

You will both love sex again.
Biology makes sense. As her cycle returns, she will look at you in a whole new way.   The woman that you knew and loved before baby arrived will be back in your arms. There may be less sex for a year, but you will likely discover a new level of intimacy that can build your lifelong relationship. Years from now, you will sit on a porch swing talking about all of the years, and this will seem like one single flower in the full garden of your life together.

Filed Under All Recent Articles, Dads, Parenting, Postpartum, Your Relationship

Fathers Talk About Pregnancy, Birth and Hindsight

June 13, 2011 By Cara Terreri Leave a Comment

As a mom to 2 — soon to be 3 — children, I look back on my first pregnancy and the early days of parenting my first son and think, “If I knew then what I know now…” If I only knew, I might have prepared for birth differently, spent more time enjoying pregnancy instead of wishing for it to go faster, worried less about my son sleeping through the night and where, when and how he napped, taken more pictures of my son nursing (my favorite time), and relished more in his day-to-day rather than anxiously awaiting each new milestone.

But the truth is, no matter how many books you read or how much advice you encounter, the only true preparation for pregnancy, birth and parenthood is the lived experience. And while moms feel that the majority of this grand event happens to and affects them, dads also have an experience that is unique, profound and unfortunately, often neglected. Unlike women, men are not expected or encouraged to communicate their feelings — but that doesn’t mean they don’t have an opinion!

So what do dads have to say? In preparation for the blog’s celebration of Father’s Day, I went out on Facebook in search of dads’ answer to the question, “For your family’s first pregnancy and birth, what do you wish you would have known?”

 Here’s what they had to say:

“The fact that daddy will take second place on so many fronts and that new moms are always right!”

“It’s one of those, ‘If I knew then what I know now’ kind of things. I wish I could have been more calm for her and been able to enjoy the moment even more than I did. I was too crazy to take it all in!”

“How to advocate for my partner in the hospital setting.”

“Her glow, beauty and the complete growth of love that God would bestow upon us. The cost of diapers.”

“I wasn’t really surprised because I didn’t have any expectations.”

“How much love the human heart can provide.”

“The uncomfortable chairbed in the hospital. Lesson learned: Baby #2, daddy got air mattress! Even the nurses were like, ‘Smart guy…’”

“I wasn’t prepared for the tar-like meconium poop in the beginning or how huge the head would look as it was crowning!”

“I could never have anticipated how hard I was going to fall in love with our newborn child. Awe inspiring.”

“The actual birth, sleep deprivation… hell I should have been more prepared for everything!”

“I wish I would have been better prepared for what would happen in the event of an emergency c-section (which is what happened with our first). It would have been nice to know what kinds of complications could cause that. Also, I wish I would have known more about swaddling and changing diapers.”

“The entire pregnancy and birth leads up to the big event of ‘bringing baby home.’ But once we got home, I felt as though there wasn’t much to do besides change diapers. Newborns (at least ours) sleep a lot! It wasn’t until our son was 3 or 4 months old that I felt like I could really interact and do more with him.”

“I wish I had been better prepared for the fact that labor can take a long time and you need to pack snacks for you and your wife if you don’t want to leave the room. I was also unprepared for when they took our daughter (I went along) for a heel poke. They bent her foot back on itself (it looked like they were going to break her foot!) and squeezed really hard to get the blood to come out. She screamed bloody murder and I nearly punched the lady for what I was convinced was abuse of my newborn baby girl. Turns out, it was standard procedure. So, either don’t go for the heel poke or be prepared to witness and not attack. Personally, I’m glad I went so that I could cuddle her as soon as they were done. Looking back, I hoped it would be her first perception of ‘daddy coming to the rescue.’”
To the expectant moms reading, reach out and talk to your husband/boyfriend/partner — what does he worry about, what is he most excited for, what does he think about this new life experience? To the dads reading, make your voice heard! She may not ask you, but mom-to-be wants to know how you’re coping too.
Filed Under All Recent Articles, Dads Tagged With Dads, Focus on Fathers

Preparing Fathers for Birth

June 6, 2011 By Cara Terreri 1 Comment

This post has also appeared as a guest post on the Mother’s Advocate blog.

When a woman is pregnant, most of the outside world’s attention is on the mother-to-be. On one hand, this makes sense: it is the mother who bears the first-hand, physical experience of pregnancy and birth, and the intrinsic connection to a child who was once part of her body.

But what about the father (partner)? Fathers too, go through an experience during pregnancy and birth. First-time dads in particular must come to terms with a transition in family roles and responsibility, and deal with their own feelings of fear, excitement and anxiety. Yet, when a couple is expecting, all of the fuss and concern centers on mom: “How are you feeling? Are you sleeping well? What’s your birth plan?” Dad is more likely to hear nothing — unless it relates to mom.

Women, listen up: Dads need preparation, understanding and communication during pregnancy too! Women tend to gather and process information about pregnancy through their care providers, other women, books and Internet articles. Men however, don’t always attend prenatal appointments, and are less likely to pour over the literature or spark up a conversation about pregnancy with their peers. But that doesn’t mean they aren’t interested or don’t need support. And here’s the secret: the more prepared and informed dad is, the better equipped he will be to support and encourage you during pregnancy and birth.

The following are simple, but key, steps you can take to involve, support and prepare your partner, helping to improve the experience for both of you.

Attend prenatal appointments together. It may not be practical to see your care provider together every time, but make it a point to attend a handful of appointments as a couple. This allows dad to understand more about your prenatal care, experience exciting things like hearing baby’s heartbeat, and pose his own questions to your care provider.

Make childbirth classes mandatory. Childbirth education classes are designed for moms and dads. For dads who don’t always read up on birth (and for moms who read too much), an in-person, interactive class that teaches the ins and outs of birth, including coping techniques and strategies, is invaluable. Lamaze class educators, for example, are trained to engage with fathers and partners through targeted questions and hands-on practice.

Create your birth plan together. Wouldn’t it be great to have your own personal advocate to make sure labor and birth is as healthy and safe as possible? You can! Creating a birth plan with your significant other ensures that both of you are on the same page during the big day. If dad knows ahead of time that you wish to remain mobile in labor or avoid continuous monitoring, for example, he will be better prepared to support you and speak to your care providers if necessary. For ideas on what to include in your birth plan, check out the Six Lamaze Healthy Birth Practices.

Check in with dad. Keep the lines of communication open! If you don’t have a regular date night, make it a new habit that continues after birth and throughout parenthood. When you make the time to connect with each other, be sure to ask about his thoughts regarding pregnancy and birth in addition to expressing your own. Ask open-ended questions like, “Tell me what you think about our birth plan.” or “How do you feel about our care provider?” or “What worries you the most about birth?”

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The winner of  last Monday’s Undercover Mama nursing tank giveaway is: Danielle Knapp! Congratulations and thanks for visiting Giving Birth with Confidence! Thanks also to everyone who entered the giveaway.

Filed Under All Recent Articles, Birth, Birth plans, Childbirth education, Dads, Pregnancy

The Perfect Partner

June 3, 2011 By FitPregnancy Leave a Comment

When Christina Carey, 40, imagined her baby’s birth, she pictured her husband by her side, lovingly supporting her throughout labor and delivery. But when showtime arrived, she was surprised to see an entirely different side of him.

Although Carey, who lives in Hoboken, N.J., had planned on having a vaginal birth, complications necessitated a Cesarean section. “I was fine with the unplanned surgery, but my husband was a wreck,” she recalls. “He got lost on his way to the operating room and arrived late for the surgery. Once he got there, he was so nervous he couldn’t talk. I was hoping that my husband would distract me, but the exact opposite happened,” Carey adds. “I didn’t plan on having to calm him down.”

“It’s very important to have someone there to help you through labor,” says Michael Abrahams, M.D., an OB-GYN at Maimonides Medical Center in Brooklyn, N.Y. But as Carey learned, being a birth partner doesn’t come naturally to every father-to-be. Fortunately, childbirth experts say that with some planning and preparation, most men can grow into the role. Here’s how you can help.

Make sure he’s educated
“The more partners are aware of the decisions that may have to be made, the more helpful and supportive they can be,” Abrahams says. Childbirth classes, books and videos give helpful information about the stages of labor, pain-relief options and possible complications of medical interventions. Education has its limits, however, and acknowledging that is another important step for your partner. “Despite birth courses, nothing really prepares him for that moment,” Abrahams says.

Discuss your intentions
Talk with each other about any expectations you both might have regarding laboring preferences, pain relief and medical interventions. Don’t do this while you’re driving to the hospital, but during the weeks and months before your due date. “One of the key expectations that should be shared is feelings about the use of pain medications during labor,” says Penny Simkin, a Seattle doula and author of The Birth Partner: A Complete Guide to Childbirth for Dads, Doulas, and All Other Labor Companions (Harvard Common Press). “If you want natural childbirth and he thinks that’s stupid, you have a problem. You’ve got to get on the same page.

“You both also need to understand that the birth plan must be flexible enough to incorporate necessary changes if unplanned interventions become needed or if labor is so fast that there’s no time to get an epidural you may have planned,” Simkin says.

Help him expect the unexpected
There are many ways a partner can support you—massaging your back, placing cold compresses on your forehead, even channel surfing for a distracting TV show. “But it’s important for him to know that your reactions to these measures may change during labor,” Simkin says. “For example, a massage may feel heavenly for a while, then become really unpleasant. He needs to know that’s normal, and he shouldn’t take your reaction personally.”

Likewise, your partner should know that what entertains you in everyday life may infuriate you in the delivery room. Jokes are a prime example. “A lot of men use humor to alleviate the stress, and it’s not always appreciated,” Abrahams says.

Understand where he’s coming from
“It’s in the nature of men to need something tangible and task-oriented to do during a crisis,” says Jeanne Faulkner, R.N., a labor-and-delivery nurse in Portland, Ore. “But labor tends to involve a lot of sitting and just ‘being,’ and that’s hard for a lot of guys.”

You may expect your partner to be your rock during delivery, but don’t be surprised if he starts to crumble a bit. “It’s an emotional time for the father as well, and it can be hard to watch a loved one in pain,” says Erin E. Tracy, M.D., an OB-GYN at Massachusetts General Hospital in Boston.

Consider his comfort level
Some partners are happy to be in the delivery room but have no interest in having a front-row seat. If yours is more of a head-of-the-bed guy, it will be better for both of you if you don’t order him to hang out with the doctor at the foot of the bed. “He doesn’t have to see every last detail,” Abrahams says. He doesn’t have to cut the umbilical cord, either.

Respect his traditions
In some cultures, the idea of a man witnessing childbirth is horrifying. Try not to take it personally. “Some men show up in the delivery room because they want to be an ‘American’ dad, but it’s incredibly uncomfortable for them,” Faulkner says. “They try, but then realize they just can’t be there.”

Resist the urge to force him
If the thought of being in the delivery room makes your partner break out in hives, demanding his presence may backfire. “If the man is there grudgingly or neglecting the mother, it contributes to her stress levels, and stress interferes with labor,” Simkin says. “The day you give birth is a day you’re never going to forget. You want it to be a good memory.”

Are you better off without him?
If you think your guy won’t make a good birth partner, you have two options.

First, you can have him with you in the delivery room, but don’t expect more from him than what he is comfortable doing. If you go this route, consider working with a midwife or doula who can give you what he can’t, advises doula Penny Simkin.

Or, you can station him in the waiting room, and invite someone else, such as your mother, to be your birth partner. Warning: This won’t work if your relationship with your mother is strained. “The delivery room is not the place to be working out family dynamics,” says labor nurse Jeanne Faulkner, R.N. If you ask someone else to be your birth partner, do so early in your pregnancy, so she has time to attend childbirth classes and take other steps to prepare.

Filed Under All Recent Articles, Birth, Dads, Support Tagged With Dads, labor support

The Science of “Father Love”

June 1, 2011 By admin 1 Comment

In celebration of Father’s Day this month, Giving Birth with Confidence will feature articles just for and about dads. If there is something you would like to see on the blog related to dads, let us know!

By Patrick Houser

Long gone are the days when a father paced back and forth in a smoky hospital waiting room while his wife gave birth elsewhere, in a room full of strangers. This was the archetype during the mid-twentieth century. Fathers are now more in alliance with the creative process of pregnancy and birth, and therefore, mothers and babies. They have also taken up the mantle of being nurturers over the last several decades and have increased their participation in the family. This trend is producing astonishing results; ones which are also based in science.

Today, nearly 90% of fathers are present at the birth of their children. They are also caretaking their children with increasing frequency. In one third of the households with preschool children at home, if a parent is the caretaker, it is the father. In 1975 fathers spent an average of 15 minutes per day with their children; by 1995 it was 2 hours. Fathers are beginning to discover, and put into action, additional facets of their instinctive nature, paternal love. Can it be a coincidence that this timing correlates perfectly with fathers entering the birthing room and becoming lovingly involved in their children’s arrival?

Science can shed some light on this phenomenon. Research shows that hormonal activity in a father is altered during his mate’s pregnancy, and more so if he is present at the birth. Hormones are chemicals secreted by an endocrine gland or some nerve cells that regulate the function of a specific tissue or organ. It is essentially a chemical messenger that transports a signal from one cell to another. In a way, they tell us what to do; how to ‘act.’ Prolactin, vasopressin and oxytocin are among the hormones that are found at higher levels in men around the time of birth. Increased production of prolactin is known to promote bonding/attachment and caring. Raised vasopressin levels cause a man to want to protect his family and be at home rather than ‘on the prowl in search of a mate.’ Vasopressin is also known as the monogamy hormone; commitment. Also if a father is intimate with his child, especially through skin to skin contact, his oxytocin production increases. Elevated oxytocin in a father is recognized as a key component in jump-starting and maintaining his nurturing instincts.

Oxytocin is also produced in men and women during loving contact and because of this has been named ‘the
hormone of love’ by experts in the field including Dr. Michel Odent, Sheila Kitzinger and Dr. Sarah Buckley. It is
also a necessary hormone for a mother’s body to produce in order to ensure a successful pregnancy, labour and birth. Since couples are already ‘in the habit’ of producing oxytocin during intimacy they can contribute this dimension of their relationship to the mother’s labour. Consequently, father love, added as an ingredient in the scientific recipe of mother’s labour, can be a useful enhancement for birth.

The result of this increased hormonal activity is that bonding, attachment, protection, love, loyalty, commitment and caring are all enhanced in a new father. Thus science is showing us that a father with close, strong, intimate contact during pregnancy, birth and early infancy will be supported by Mother Nature during his early engagement in the family. Fathers are acquiring tenderness and a sense of belonging from engaging with mother and baby during pregnancy, birth and after. This then establishes a more durable foundation for a life-long loving relationship between father and child. Our society as a whole is also benefiting as a result of this transformation in fathers.

An added bonus of this new father/child relationship is that the ‘life expectance’ of the family is enhanced. A
father who is attached and committed to his children (remember the science) is more likely to stay with the
family. Science is on our side and Nature and Nurture are working in harmony. When men’s nurturing instincts
and hormones are awakened we are destined for a future that is different from our past. As a culture we have the responsibility to see to it that our fathers and children have the opportunity to fulfil their potential together. Children have led fathers through the doorway of tenderness and we have all entered a new era.

The transition to fatherhood is one of the most significant and challenging experiences a man will ever face. In order to have a satisfying and successful experience fathers must feel safe, supported and confident. To optimize the possibilities for our families, we need to provide appropriate educational, physical and emotional support for ‘father love.’

Patrick Houser is author of the, Fathers-To-Be Handbook, a roadmap for the transition to fatherhood, a parent and childbirth professional workshop leader, freelance writer and speaker at conferences world-wide. Learn more at  www.FathersToBe.org.

Filed Under All Recent Articles, Dads Tagged With Dads

My First Lamaze Class – A Recap, Part 1

April 29, 2011 By Cara Terreri 2 Comments

Practicing a squat while my classmates demonstrate a supported standing position.

I’m halfway through my first Lamaze class series — which, as I mentioned in my last post, I’m attending as a third-time around mom — and so far, so great! My instructor, Tracy Cuneo, is a Lamaze Certified Childbirth Educator (LCCE) and also is who I have hired as my doula. The class is a 5-week series that meets once a week for 2.5 hours at a time (sounds long, but I can assure you that it flies by!).

My overall impression upon leaving class the first night was, “Every pregnant woman AND her partner should attend childbirth classes — I can’t believe more women don’t do this!” The instruction, community, camaraderie and enthusiasm left me feeling reinvigorated about my birth plan and thrilled with the opportunity to appreciate my pregnancy and birth in a whole new way.

In the first night’s class, we were given a handbook, a folder and some handouts. We reviewed the basics of Lamaze (they’re not about “breathing” anymore folks!), the Six Lamaze Healthy Birth Practices, discussion questions for your care provider, prenatal nutrition information (I had no idea how many grams of protein are recommended for pregnant women), and solutions to common pregancy discomforts. We also covered the standard ice-breaker activities to get to know the four other couples in the class (plus a doula-in-training). As much as I can’t stand that sort of thing, it did break the tension — I mean, we are discussing intimate subject matter (hemorrhoids anyone?), so it helps to get to know each other.

The instructor also went around the room to ask why we were attending childbirth class. I was pleased to hear that two of the first-time couples felt that taking a childbirth class would help them achieve a low-intervention (aka “natural”) birth. Another mom was attending classes for the first time with her third pregnancy (I wasn’t alone!) because her first two births were scheduled inductions with an epidural — she had never felt one contraction — and she is planning for a water birth this time around. One of the dads commented that he was the one to pull his wife into class — he was genuinely eager and motivated to learn more about birth. In general, I have been delighted to watch the fathers actively participate and ask questions during class.

The second class focused primarily on the stages of labor as well as different labor and birth positions and comfort measures. In this class, we became active participants as we moved around to different stations to practice techniques. So far, I’m a huge fan of the relaxing on the birth ball.

I look forward to the remaining classes so I can share the rest of my experience with you. Stay tuned for more, including a profile of some of the other class participants.

Do you plan to attend childbirth classes? Why or why not?

Filed Under All Recent Articles, Childbirth education, Dads, Pregnancy Tagged With childbirth class

A Birth Partner Cheat Sheet

April 25, 2011 By Cara Terreri Leave a Comment

Uncertain about your role as a birth partner? Follow these nine easy guidelines.

1. Support is a key element to a woman having a positive birth and postpartum experience. As a birth partner, identify the resources you have for informational, emotional and physical backup early on. This could include childbirth classes, the mother’s care provider, a doula, or a trusted friend or family member.

2. As you learn more about the process of birth, you will discover your strengths in offering support, and you can decide how you want to contribute to the birth of this child. Will you be the primary support, work more with the other team members or be by the mother’s side with your full love and support while others do the hands-on work? A birth partner can serve in any manner that helps the laboring woman, so be comfortable, even joyful, in whatever role you both agree upon.

3. Whether you decide to actively work with the mother or just shower her with love, simply being present makes a difference. The birth partner is usually the one member of the team who best knows her desires and can interpret her cues and express her wishes to others. Your personal history with the laboring woman is something the rest of the team doesn’t have.

4. In order to care for a mother in labor, you must also care for yourself. Eating and drinking during labor will give you the energy you need. Wear comfortable clothes and let the doula or nurse care for your partner while you take an occasional break.

5. Ask questions. Unless you are birthing at home, you are in an unfamiliar setting surrounded by unfamiliar people. A doula can help you get the attention of the health-care provider so that you are heard.

6. Be prepared to experience some strong emotions. Often, a birth partner is so absorbed in supporting the mother and remaining strong that he or she is surprised by the powerful feelings of love and awe that accompany seeing this incredible woman go through birth.

7. You and the mother may have the most familiar voices to the infant. When you talk to the baby, he experiences a feeling of calmness that has a positive effect on his transition to the outside world. Stroking him will also reduce stress hormones and improve his breathing and temperature regulation.

8. Understand that the postpartum period is a mix of joyous and difficult moments. The unpredictability of each day and getting to know your baby can sometimes make for a challenging situation.

9. After the excitement of birth dies down a bit, enjoy quiet time with the mother and baby, and delight in the miracle of birth and the part you played.

Filed Under All Recent Articles, Birth, Dads, Labor, Postpartum, Support, Working with a doula
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