At my uncle and aunt’s house in Chicago
If you asked me to write this post yesterday, I would have been in tears over a couple very hard weeks with my kids. I’ve felt like a bad version of myself lately – short fuse plus insomnia plus heat plus cranky kids has made for a difficult few days. We also aren’t back on schedule yet from our four day trip to Chicago for my grandmother’s funeral last week. Between the crazy storms, the 4thof July, and Chicago, I’m not surprised we’re all out of sorts around here. Luckily, we’ve had a much better day today so I am in a much better frame of mind.
Yesterday, I had my 18 week appointment with my midwife. It went well, kind of hectic with impending house guests for playgroup and my son peeing on the floor (potty training), but all in all it was a good visit. We heard the baby’s heart beat, nice and strong despite dodging the Doppler, and we talked about how I’ve been feeling both physically and emotionally. Have I mentioned how much I love my midwife? She knows what kinds of questions to ask me and how to support me and I am so glad she’s on my birth team.
She asked me if I’ve been doing what I know I need to do for a healthy pregnancy: eat well, exercise, and get a lot of sleep. Honestly, I’ve been taking my prenatal vitamin and that’s the extent of the attention I’ve given this pregnancy so far. With how hard the past couple weeks have been with the boys, my husband helped me with a huge realization last night: I think I am subconsciously disconnecting myself from the pregnancy because I am not confident in my ability to be a good mother to three kids when I feel as though I’ve been failing miserably with two.
I’m going to have to meditate on that thought for a while. Being excited about being pregnant is one thing, but realizing that at some point that baby is going to come out and we then have to parent it is a completely different beast.
To start dealing with this thought, I am going to return to my prenatal yoga class that I did with the boys, as well as work with a trainer to help me be in some semblance of shape. I hope that doing these things will help me start bonding more with this baby and pregnancy. I am also reading some more parenting books to help me get a grip on some issues I have to work through with the boys.
A big part of bonding with this baby is the big decision of whether or not to find out the gender. Up until now I have been absolute in my desire for the gender to remain a mystery but now, I’m wavering. Our big 20-week ultrasound is rapidly approaching us and I am wondering if I find out the gender, will it help me bond more with the baby? If it’s a girl, it will also give me more time to digest having a girl in this house and how different our experience may be with her. If it’s a boy, I can meditate on that, too. I also wonder if being able to tell the boys what we are having that we can daydream together about how our new addition will be in our family. We can toss names around. We can plan.
This is a big change of heart from a few short weeks ago when I made my argument to my husband that I did not want to know the gender for a few reasons:
1- What is the number 2 question most pregnant woman are asked behind, “how are you feeling?” It’s “do you know what you are having?” and I didn’t want this whole pregnancy to be about the gender. As I’m finding, though, in not having an answer to this question gender seems to be the number one topic people want to discuss with me. Having found out what we were having with the boys, we did not discuss gender nearly as much as I have this time around.
2- We aren’t definitely sure if we are done with three babies. If it’s a boy, the presumption would be that we would want a girl, right? But what if we are done with three? If it’s not a boy, the presumption would be that we are done having babies, right? But what if we decide to have a fourth, what then? If we stop after a girl, I would never want the boys to feel as if they aren’t enough because now, “our family is complete with a girl.” In talking to people, I’ve noticed that people either “get” our decision to have three kids, or people don’t. Nothing is wrong with that, it’s just an observation.
3- I want to delay the puking of pink that is inevitable if it is a girl. I just know that if we find out it is a girl that between my mother and my mother in law, little girl clothing and accessories are going first to creep and then explode in our house. The longer we wait to find out, the longer we can delay the unavoidable.
Now, I’m not so sure anymore. I have a lot of friends who both found out or did not learn the gender of their babies and I hear both points of view. With J we found out because he was our first and my husband and I are compulsive planners so we couldn’t wait. With D, we found out because J was so young (12 months) when we got pregnant and we thought that the more we could prepare him with a new sibling the better. To be honest, I don’t know if it mattered since he was still so young when D was born. I think he would have been equally thrown off by and embraced his sibling regardless of gender. Now that the boys are older, I wonder if knowing would help them with the transition more since they know what’s going on. Unfortunately we can’t tell them to keep it a secret if we tried since kids have no clue how to do that.
That’s where I am today. I’d love to hear your thoughts on whether or not to find out the gender and how and if it helped you bonded with the baby. Will report back…..here’s to a better couple weeks ahead!
About Pamela Lurie
Ask our resident obstetrical expert, Henci Goer, any question you have about conception, pregnancy, birth, and newborns. 
Your honesty is so refreshing! I don’t feel that our family is complete at two kids, but I feel like I’m applying a similar expectation here- that until I feel like everything is perfectly calm and wonderful around here and I’m 100% on my game, how could I even think about adding another?
We didn’t find out gender with C, but did with S and I’m very happy with those decisions. Loved the surprise of C, especially since as my first baby I thought of little else during her pregnancy. With S, it certainly helped me connect. I was 98% sure she was a boy and hence was envisioning how our family would be. Finding out she was a girl was a little bit of a shock and I’m glad I had the opportunity to recalibrate my vision before she was born. I didn’t want to be wondering, “who are you?” and trying to make sense of everything when I should be in a lovely postpartum bliss. I think it also helped C a great deal for us to be able to talk about her sister, rather than the more abstract “baby.”
My 3 boys now are 16, 14 and 7. #1 was a mystery (though I was certain he was a boy), for #2 I found out at an ultrasound appointment that my husband FORGOT about, then kept it from him until we were in the delivery room waiting for the pitocin to kick in… and #3, we found out but didn’t tell anyone. We even used green as the main color for the nursery so as not to tip our hand to our curious friends and relatives. We didn’t go for #3 “to try for a girl” – in fact, I was hoping for a boy – but of course would have been happy with either. But we did know that #3 was going to be the last one.
May I suggest you consider trying our #3 approach with your #3? That way you and your husband can get used to the idea and do some stealthy planning, but you don’t have to answer the questions directly – or you could even respond, “Yes, we know, but we’re not telling anyone till the baby is born.” That way it doesn’t become all about the gender, and you can relish in your delicious secret.
FWIW, we didn’t tell ANYONE the names we were considering because we just didn’t want the input. Those were nice surprises to share with everyone when the babies were born.
Hang in there, mama – If i can do 3, ANYONE can!!
“I am not confident in my ability to be a good mother to three kids when I feel as though I’ve been failing miserably with two” — man I love this quote…
Another option – Have the tech wrap the gender in paper and seal it in an envelope (Maybe even take paper and an envelope with you – just in case). Pass that envelope on to a trusted friend. This will allow you to meditate a bit longer on the decision to know/not know; kind of takes the pressure away from feeling like you only have one chance to find out. If you decide to find out, you could make it a special family thing to share with the boys as a family – opening it together, or it could be a special intimate connecting thing for you and hubby. Options galore!
I appreciate your candor. Looking forward to the next installments!
I appreciate your honesty! And with three kids of my own, I completely understand where you are coming from. I had many of those fears and doubts during my last pregnancy. How could I be having another if I have a difficult enough time handling the two I already have? The baby is now 6 months old. There are days when I’m still not sure how (or if) I’m handling it. But then there are the positive days when everything just seems to work out and work well.
As for the gender question, we wanted to know with all of our kiddos. We wanted 3 boys. When the tech told us #2 was a girl, we needed those months to adjust to the thought of having a girl. Why? Because of the pink puking you mentioned! Not being a girlie girl myself, I feared having a girl. But she has brought joy and understanding to my life that I couldn’t have imagined had she been a boy. #3 made it difficult for us to know the gender with certainty. The tech thought a girl, but wasn’t 100% sure. I spent my entire pregnancy believing she would be a boy. In fact, when I was laboring in the tub moments before she was born, I told my husband the baby would be a boy. I was wrong. Where was the mother’s intuition there?!
Hang in there. Get some rest. Enjoy your yoga and be confident in your abilities as a mother. You’re stronger than you know.