When Tony and I had Ziggy, the first few months were nightmarish. It was Christmas time in Seattle, and I remember having insomnia so bad I thought I had lost the ability to sleep. In an attempt to heal, I decided to ask Tony 10 questions about his experience of being a partner to someone suffering from postpartum depression/anxiety and PTSD.
When did you realize something was wrong?
I knew something was wrong right away. But I didn’t realize the extent of the problem. I kept thinking it would get better. But instead it got worse. I didn’t know where mild baby blues ended and where postpartum depression began. Nor did I have any information on how to get help.
What was that experience like for you?
Extraordinarily frightening. I didn’t know what was happening during labor. We were so connected as a couple and it began to shift in a way that was very scary. Once the full force of the PPD began to level itself in our lives in the first few weeks of being home with the baby, I felt confused and helpless and I was experiencing extreme anxiety. When you passed out from lack of sleep and fell to the floor behind me as I was holding the baby, my anxiety changed to terror.
What would you do differently now that you know about postpartum depression?
I would have reached out immediately to health care professionals for help. I would have encouraged formula feeding and weaning of breastfeeding right away to facilitate more ease of movement for you to be away from the baby for treatment or even just a break. I would have encouraged proper prescribed medication under the guidance of a psychiatrist to begin to ease the terrible burdens of the disease. It is so difficult to remember how helpless I felt and how under the influence I was of all the media hype about breastfeeding and bonding. That really affected my ability to act.
Were you aware of the PTSD in birth?
I think that my first clue that something was beginning to happen was during labor. It was specifically during transition that I noticed a slow but clear change in your presence. It appeared as though you began to dissociate from not only me but the world, as if your body had been left behind to experience the rest of the experience without you. It changed after we were home with the baby but for me, that was the moment it began.
What surprised you about PPD?
The insomnia. I was used to seeing depression and how it affected your daily life due to your chronic condition, but the affects of the insomnia were devastating.
What scared you the most?
The scariest thing was the constant fear that you may try to hurt yourself.
What advice would you give a partner?
To act quickly. To know that no matter what the level of depression, anxiety or insomnia your partner is experiencing, they should be seen by a health care professional and there are lots of options.
What do you think women need most if they have PPD?
They need people in their lives who are willing to acknowledge it for what it is and are willing to be there with them no matter how scary it is. They also need good professional medical care as quickly as possible. Whether it is therapy or medication, they need to be under the care of a professional. They also need to know that they are not permanently damaging their baby and that they can take time away during the day or night, whenever possible, for a break.
How did you see the interaction with our son?
I was worried about him a lot at first. Not just because of your depression but also because of my own stress and anxiety. I was very afraid that it would affect him adversely. But having watched him grow and mature over the last ten years, I am completely convinced that having the treatment that you finally did receive, starting around his third month of life was an invaluable change in the dynamic between the three of us. It was not all smooth sailing after that but it continued to improve because of it. I shudder to think of what might of happen, had you not found and accepted the treatments of the wonderful therapist and psychiatrists that first saw you.
How did the next pregnancy and birth of our daughter differ?
Everything was different, but for me, the most notable difference was choosing to bottle feed with formula from the start. That gave you a much greater sense of freedom. You were able to be away without the constant fear that the baby would starve without you. I can’t recommend that enough to other parents. I know it goes against the conventional wisdom of the day regarding breastfeeding. But in my humble opinion (which is grounded in personal experience) they are flat out wrong. Our daughter is attached, loving, kind, deeply in touch with emotions and easily able to connect to others. Not to mention she is flipping brilliant (state test score fact…not merely a parental opinion) and she was bottle fed from infancy.
Postscript from Lamaze:
Every woman and family’s experience with PPMD is different, along with every set of solutions to address the illness. We at Lamaze honor Walker and Tony for their courage in sharing this story, as well as the means by which they engaged to seek treatment and healing. We also stand behind evidence-based research that in most cases, breastfeeding is the healthiest choice for mom and baby and can be relaxing, calming and healing in and of itself.
About Walker Karraa, MFA, MA, CD(DONA)
Ask our resident obstetrical expert, Henci Goer, any question you have about conception, pregnancy, birth, and newborns. 
I want to thank my husband, Tony. We are going on 13 years of marriage and still crack each other up. A better partner I could not have. And thank you to Lamaze International, to Cara, for giving this space to speak about difficult, yet treatable, surviveable, surmountable and transformational parts of pregnancy, birth and postpartum.
With folded hands,
Walker
Kudos to Walker and Tony for sharing this story, and to Cara for publishing it. Stories like these remind us about the importance of continuing to bring perinatal mood disorders to light (lighting the way to prevention and 100% treatment) as they effect FAR MORE than just the woman suffering the illness.
I think it’s really interesting from the dad’s perspective that he would recommend formula feeding for those suffering from PPD. I had PPD after my first child, and I think a lot of it was related to the nursing. It has been difficult for me to even admit this because I am such a breastfeeding advocae. But there is a definite feeling of life or death, all or nothing, when you are committed to nursing and it does not go well. My daughter was very fussy and each nursing session was a challenge. I could not let myself give up and I ultimately decided that the guilt I would experience from giving up nursing would only compound, not help my PPD. I am still not sure if that was the right decision, but I went on to nurse her until 16 months. After my son was born I had no PPD (although I was petrified), and I am still nursing him at 2.5yrs. Now I am expecting a 3rd and I am not as anxious about the PPD, but it is always there in the back of my mind. Also interesting that the effects of insomnia are highlighted; I really think that is the worst part of the illness. You are totally exhausted and know you should “sleep when the baby sleeps,” but you can’t quiet your mind. Thank you so much for sharing.
Hi Walker Karraa – Thanks for the post. It was moving and described your personal experience. I salute your husband for supporting you in your time of need. As I read your story I wonder what other risk factors were present for you to dissociate so completely and suddenly during a birth experience. I have many questions about what the risk factors were present in order to have an immediately traumatic birth; whether you yourself had a previous depressive episode, or depression or anxiety in your family background. As a professional, I am feel the need to comment that we often believe that our personal experience can generalize to the entire population, when this is not true. As a doula, you must be aware that it appears that doctor attended births are safer and less traumatic, but that evidence supports midwife-based births for the low risk population.
Of course you made the right choice for you and your family, and I support you. However, I wonder that bottle feeding is the main mitigating factor in your story.
thanks, Kathy Morelli, LPC,
risk factors:
I have received many emails about this. I am diligent in mindfully addressing these issues. I know my “risk factors” as they match up on the evidence-based literature. The risk factors for PTSD in childbirth well documented by Cheryl Beck, RN,CNM, for example–and a list of current evidence-based data can be found at http://www.tabs.org.nz/ Trauma and Birth Stress–PTSD After Delivery.
I think it is important to not generalize my experience by listing my risk factors–it just doesn’t feel right to me, or the topic. And, this piece isn’t about me, it is about what my husband observed and felt. The voices of partners in these situations are rarely heard. I honor this space for him, and the other men and women who have experienced their partners’ suffering, and recovery.
Bottle feeding saved my life, and apparently, Tony’s too.
You can read more about my personal experience at http://www.fullydilated.net
For more information regarding doulas and working with Childhood Sexual Abuse Survivors, I would strongly encourage the work of Penny Simkin and Phyllis Klaus in the book, When Survivors Give Birth: Understanding and Healing the Effects of Early Sexual Abuse on Childbearing Women. And Penny’s workshop for doulas and birth professionals is masterful and courageous. http://www.pennysimkin.org