Some women envision their birth-day as a time to invite anyone who is close and dear to them into the birthing room—mother, sisters, partner/husband, children, in-laws, next-door neighbor—and yet other moms feel most comfortable with only their husband/partner in the room. Ultimately, there is no one right way, but rather, the way that is best for you.
Choosing who may attend your birth can be a challenging task for moms who receive pressure from friends and family. This is a time when you have permission to be selfish! While your mother may assume that she has a front row seat during your birth, you may not feel comfortable birthing in the same room with a woman who has a long history of nagging and criticizing.
When considering who to allow in your birthing room, explore your relationship with the person. Ask yourself some questions:
- How do I feel about this person?
- How does this person feel about my birth preferences?
- How did this person respond the last time I needed their support?
- Write down five words that describe this person. How do those words make you feel?
Continuous support (emotional and physical) during labor and birth has been shown to result in healthier birth outcomes and a more positive birth experience.
What does positive support look and sound like? First and foremost, the person(s) supporting you during labor and birth must be familiar with and comfortable with your birth preferences. A good support person will offer words of encouragement and compassion, and refrain from passing judgment. “Just get the epidural, honey—there’s no need to put yourself through this kind of pain,” or “I birthed all three of my kids naturally; there’s no reason you can’t too,” are not the kinds of feedback and support you need anytime, and especially not during your birth.
What if you just can’t say no?
Sometimes, even if we know better than to allow our aunt/grandma/mother-in-law in the birthing room, we do it anyway. If this is your situation, plan for additional support. Appoint at least one other trustworthy person to be your primary support during labor and birth. Ideally, this person is very familiar with your birth preferences and will be your advocate and spokesperson—including speaking up to your sister/mother/aunt who insists that you ask your doctor to break your water, because that’s what she did in her births.
You also may consider hiring a professional labor support person, called a doula. Doulas are trained professionals skilled in providing physical, emotional and psychological support to a woman during birth. A doula does not replace your partner/husband’s role during birth, but rather supplements their support. Doula fees average $600, but can be as low as $250 in some places. You also may be able to contract free or significantly reduced fee doula services from a doula in training. Often, doulas will accept payment in installments and certain company flex-spending accounts can be used to cover doula fees.
Final Words
Having the right support person during your birth is a critical component of your birth experience, and in some cases, it can mean the difference between a good birth experience and a traumatic one. As with any life goal or achievement, putting measures in place for success provides room for success to happen.
About Cara Terreri
As a father of three daughters, two of whom has given us grandchildren, my wife and I totally respect the decissions of our son-in-law and daughter when it comes to attending the birth. But, I have to say, it is very, very hard on a mom if she can not be there for her daughter who is giving birth.
With my first two, I didn’t want anyone there. My mother (who had one “failure to wait” cesarean and one “your body is obviously unable to birth a baby, so we’re just going to schedule you a nice easy surgical birth” cesarean) is uncomfortable with vaginal birth – she doesn’t have confidence in herself and therefore she isn’t confident that birth is a healthy/normal process. My mother-and sister-in-law are bossy and pushy and would get on my nerves. So we didn’t allow anyone at our births, though the last time my father-in-law did bring us parts for the birth pool.
After birthing just with my husband and seeing how hard he had to work, I’ve hired a doula for this next birth (any day now!!) I asked my mother to stay and care for my older two, but she refused. I think she’s uncomfortable with the idea of seeing me naked, or maybe she is uncomfortable with the kids being there for the birth. It hurt my feelings at first, but then I realized that birth goes better when everyone present is on the same page as the laboring woman. Probably her extreme discomfort would become a problem, so I guess it’s just as well that she’s not going to be there.
Having had two utterly and completely amazing home waterbirths… I have to echo the argument for the specially chosen birth partners/supporters. My mum so wanted to be there and for a lot of the pregnancy I didn’t think she’d be able to cope well enough to fully support me, by the time I was entering my 3rd trimester I realised that actually I did want her there, I wanted a family occasion. Sadly, neither she nor I were lucky enough to share the most amazing experiences of my life. She passed away 3 weeks before I birthed my first baby.
My husband felt very strongly that he did not want to be part of the birth… he wouldn’t cope with his own lack of control during the labour and was too squeamish to be present at the birth. As a midwife myself, I understood that his reluctant presence would have hindered the physiological birthing process so arranged for two very special women to support me during my labour and birth, just in case one couldn’t make it. Thankfully, my baby decided to arrive at a time when they could both be there as well as my cousin (whose wife was one of my supporters) to ‘be there’ for my husband.
Both the amazing women supporting me had a couple of hours to travel to me and my body knew instinctively when it was safe to birth my baby. Latent first stage continued until these amazing women arrived, then suddenly strong, active first stage of labour ensued. I birthed my baby within 2 hours of their arrival!
With my second child I was fortunate enough to have my special friend, my cousin’s wife, again to support my labour and birth. Again, they had 2 hours to travel to me and again, latent labour became strong, active labour within minutes of her arrival. I birthed my baby again within less than 2 hours.
My births were both the absolute best experiences of my entire life and for that, I’m sure, I need to thank my specially chosen birth supporters.